Eldest Daughter Reflections on "Enoughness"
Recap of our May Virtual Social + a member spotlight
Join our June Virtual Social here or view the access link below
Hi big sisters,
At our May Virtual Social, we discussed the feeling of “enoughness” in community as eldest daughters. Here is a short recap of the questions we reflected on, learnings, and as a bonus: a spotlight of one of our members.
Prompt: In the last quarter (4 months), do you feel “enough”?
Discussion snippets:
“Yes and no. Because of who I am, I feel like I am not ever enough even though I know I technically am. I have an internal expectation to aim higher”
“I am going to begin to give kudos to the fact that I am just showing up. I am enough”
“I do not feel enough because my goal post is constantly shifting”
Sherri’s answer: The last quarter has been particularly busy for me in both my work, passion projects, and social life. In times of busy-ness, I often do not feel enough because it feels like I am just trying to stay afloat. However, it has been helpful to take a step back and realize that perhaps I am “enough”. The bar just keeps on moving.
Prompt: When was a specific moment in time when you felt more than “enough”?
Discussion snippets:
“I felt enough when I advocated for myself and spoke up for what I want at work. I was also recently recognized and that felt good.”
“When I am getting long runs in simply because that is something I am doing for just myself, regardless if I PR in the next race or not”
“Whenever I take time to reflect on what our past selves would want”
“When I carve out time for myself by reading and dedicating it just for myself.”
“When I stray away from external achievements.”
Prompt: Define what makes you “enough.” What are all the things you are doing extra?
Discussion snippets:
“Enough is being there for my family and a supportive person to talk to. Extra is planning the family trips, being the middleman during arguments, and stepping in to take care of something I am not directly involved in.”
“Enough is trying my best and being there for my family in times of need. Anything more is extra.”
“Enough = being kind”
Sherri’s comments: Often, the more we do for others, the more we are expected to show up (hence the goal post is also moved for us by others too). It’s important to know what is “enough” and “extra” in order not to be swept up by increasing expectations.
MEMBER SPOTLIGHT
Meet Tharuna Kalaivanan, an eldest daughter and part of our Monthly Virtual Social community. She is a PhD Candidate at George Mason University and is conducting research on the eldest daughter experience in the DMV (D.C., Maryland, Virginia) Metropolitan Area. Her story and how to participate in her research is below:
My name is Tharuna Kalaivanan, and I am the eldest daughter.
I didn’t know that being the eldest daughter was its own unique experience. It felt like I was just thrown into life and had to go with it. I didn’t really have a choice.
I was born in India and came to the United States with my mom to live with my dad. Growing up in America as an immigrant kid was not easy, to say the least. My family’s traditions were deeply rooted in South Indian culture—from the food to the auspicious holidays—everything felt so different from what I saw outside of my home.
Life became more complicated when I started to navigate college. That meant figuring out SATs, financial aid, college essays, recommendation letters—all while trying to balance AP courses and extracurriculars. I also began taking care of my younger siblings when my mom started working full-time. Taking care of other children when you're still a child yourself was a heavy burden, but that was my reality.
College was its own battleground. I thought it would be the place where I could finally explore and figure out who I was. I remember stepping onto George Mason’s campus for a tour on a crisp fall morning, right as the leaves were changing—it felt magical. But college wasn’t what I had imagined. I was only on campus to attend classes. I didn’t join any clubs, didn’t prioritize making new friends—I just went to class and came straight home.
At home, my responsibilities grew. I continued caring for my siblings, and I also took on chores and helped my parents with just about everything.
Sometimes things got really hard. I wanted to do fun things—hang out with friends, go to the movies, spend time at the mall—just like any of my peers. But I couldn’t, because my family needed me at home. I didn’t know how to explain my experiences or challenges to anyone. I thought I was the only one going through this. I was my family’s support system. I negotiated bills, spoke to doctors, filled out paperwork—all without knowing how. I just figured it out. I was thrust into a position filled with responsibilities and restrictions. It was a conundrum I couldn’t make sense of.
During undergrad, I helped found a research lab that studied the experiences of first-generation college students. We found that first-generation college women often had very gendered experiences. They were expected to graduate on time, become financially independent, stay close to home, and think about marriage and family during their senior year transition. Why were women expected to take on so much more while still excelling in school?
Around the same time, I started seeing posts on social media about eldest daughters. I felt so relieved to find a community of eldest sisters going through the exact same things I was. I wasn’t alone. It felt like a movement. A collective cry to be recognized. A statement to be heard.
We are not your average sisters. We are the eldest daughters.
We were put into leadership positions without knowing how to lead.
One thing in particular stood out to me: “Eldest Daughter Syndrome.” I was especially struck by the word syndrome—it made it sound like something inherent or personal, something internal to us as individuals. But from our research, I knew that it’s the environment and situational factors that shape women’s experiences. I had a hunch that the same was true for eldest daughters.
So, what are the circumstances that shape the lives of eldest daughters? I became especially interested in looking at women from immigrant families. Being the eldest daughter from an immigrant background is even more complex. I knew that the eldest daughter experience had many layers, and I wanted to uncover them.
That’s where graduate school became incredibly valuable.
A few months ago, I passed my dissertation proposal. My committee approved my project plan to study the experiences of eldest daughters from immigrant families. I’ve already started recruitment and have completed a few interviews. Many eldest daughters have been eager to share their stories. I’ve laughed with them, cried with them, and celebrated with them.
This research is not only important to me, but I hope that I can share the stories and struggles of many eldest daughters. We are meant to be seen and heard. I want my research to be a way for other eldest daughters to connect. I want them to know that we are not alone. We should be proud of ourselves and know that our experiences and feelings are valid. I hope my project can be a small part in that movement.
But I’m not done yet.
I need your help recruiting more participants for my research study. If you meet the criteria below, I would love for you to participate. Please also feel free to share this information with anyone who may be interested.
Research Study Invitation:
I am conducting an important research study that explores the unique experiences of eldest daughters from immigrant families and how they navigate their identities.
I am currently seeking volunteers to participate in this study. If you meet the following criteria, I would greatly appreciate your participation:
· You are between 18 and 30 years old
You are the eldest daughter in your family
You come from an immigrant family (with parents who immigrated to the United States)
You are currently a college student
You live in the DMV (D.C., Maryland, Virginia) Metropolitan Area
Participation will involve completing a brief 15-minute survey, followed by an hour-long zoom interview where you will have the opportunity to share your personal experiences. Your insights will contribute to a deeper understanding of the challenges and perspectives unique to eldest daughters in immigrant families.
For your participation, you will receive a $15 e-gift card, which will be emailed to you within two weeks after the interview.
To participate in the research study, please use the following link or QR code:
https://gmuchss.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_5hi7UgL2NhgIdn0
If you have any questions or concerns, please contact me at tkalaiva@gmu.edu.
This project is approved by George Mason University’s Institutional Review Board. RAMP ID number: STUDY00000447
OUR JUNE VIRTUAL SOCIAL TOPIC: Navigating Uncertainty
Zoom link: