My Mom, the Eldest Daughter

As eldest daughters of eldest daughters, my mom and I are both doing this mother-daughter relationship thing for the first time.

My mom and I share the same eyes and smile. But when I look closer, we share a lot of similarities as daughters - as eldest daughters. The desire to give back to our families, protectiveness of our loved ones, deep sense of responsibility for others, the list goes on.

As I learn about her childhood, I understand more about her view on the eldest daughter role. A role that was so entrenched within her because it was a necessity to survive. My mom grew up in the mountains of China where her parents had to often be out of town to work. She has a little sister, who is just a few years younger. During those times, she fully stepped in, ensuring she and her little sister had meals, bathed, and did homework.

She stopped her little sister’s school bully with swiftness and let small disputes with her little sister go. Sometimes though, she would bring them up to her parents who almost always told her “she’s younger, how is she supposed to know better?” A phrase she and my aunt joke about now.

As eldest daughters of eldest daughters, my mom and I are both doing this mother-daughter relationship thing for the first time.

When my mom was my age, she had gotten married, immigrated to a new country, started to learn a new language that she would need to use daily, and prepared to bring me into the world amongst many challenges. Today, because of the foundation she has set for me, I get to have the luxury of free time and can spend it on self-reflection, journaling, and writing this essay. My mom gave me a life she could not live herself.

For a period, I could not grasp why I felt like my mom could not understand parts of me. But am I able to understand all parts of her? We each grew up in different countries, systems, cultures, time periods, and more. Understanding each other holistically would actually be a monumental feat. Now, I know that it is not a necessity to be close. It is simply the trying to understand that counts.

Loving fully is in the trying.

I am blessed to be able to grow together with and show love to my mom. My mom, the eldest daughter, and the brightest light in this world.

Inspired by my own mother-daughter relationship, I created a workshop with licensed therapist Hilary Truong, LPC on “Strengthening Your Mother-Daughter Relationship” specifically for eldest daughters. Reserve your spot/ get the recording here. Looking forward to diving deeper with you all there.