The Prioritization of Dating: Parents vs. Daughters

Many parents believe that finding a husband should be their daughter's #1 priority. Explaining a different view can be exhausting.

When I told my mom that I was thinking about moving to NYC from Seattle to pursue creative endeavors, her first reaction was “I heard that it’s hard to date in NYC.” She then proceeded to send me three articles that all state that New York is “an awful place to be single” (NBC New York) and that “Seattle leads all U.S. cities for single people” (NY Post).

To my parents, a successful life for their daughter after college happens in a few steps.

Step 1.) Become financially stable

Step 2.) Find a good husband

Step 3.) Have kids (ideally 2)

Step 4.) Enjoy your life with your family

Thus, it makes sense why her first concern about a New York move is the chances of me finding a husband. To her, that should be my number one priority.

“No, Mom.” I protest. “I want to focus on myself and my dreams right now. And I feel like there are more opportunities in New York.” She does not understand. To her, I have comfort and stability already. Why move? Why want more? Why not focus all my energy on achieving Step 2 of a successful life?

This seems to be a common sentiment within the Chinese immigrant parents community. There are WeChat dating groups (comparable to Facebook groups) created for the Chinese parents in every city to “pitch” their children as potential son/daughters in law to each other. Many are hesitant to post pictures and instead include text that describes their child and their son/daughter’s dream partner. It is only after two sets of parents agree that it is a good fit do the parents exchange photos. A twist on blind dating, you could say.