Were you really selfish or was it because you were expected to always do more for others as the eldest daughter?

A graduation season personal story, reflections, and learnings from an eldest daughter

When my little sister graduated high school, I was so proud. We had spent a lot of late nights together during her senior year, poring over the college application process. She wrote her essays, I reviewed them. We repeated this until they were perfect. She got into a great college, I rejoiced. At her graduation, I beamed and admittedly shed tears. I also spent some time remembering how I felt at my own high school graduation 7 years ago.

To be completely honest, I had felt odd about receiving “congratulations” for graduating high school. To me, not graduating was not even an option. I not only took high school courses but also college courses in my extra time to get ahead. I did not feel proud of myself for graduating high school because it felt like a responsibility that needed to get done. My parents had a similar sentiment. As a result, my graduation was not a particularly big deal in the family.

I felt completely different about my little sister’s graduation. Even though I knew she was going to graduate, I felt like the milestone encapsulated her last four years of hard work and the entry into a new chapter. I was excited for her future and thought about what I could get her to celebrate. She was going to a college that had a football game day culture where girls would write the college logo on their cheeks using colorful eyeliner. So, I gave her a set of colorful eyeliners with a note explaining why.

This made my parents upset. “How could you give her such a cheap graduation gift?” they said. “Graduating high school is such a big moment and you are her big sister!”

I was confused. When I graduated, I did not receive a graduation gift from my family. It did not cross my mind that a hefty graduation gift was expected or necessary. My parents did not accept my explanation. “Our friend’s son gave his little sister $1000 when she graduated from college! Everyone knows about a graduation gift!”

I promptly sent my little sister that amount. I have always bought her things and experiences from the moment I got my first job. Music festivals, clothes, makeup, travel, and more. I have always wanted to give her the best and what I wish I had when I was her age. My parents’ comments made me feel misunderstood, hurt, and guilty.

In our monthly Eldest Daughter Club Virtual Socials, the topic of being called “selfish” as the eldest daughter, comes up a lot. Content creator Karina Reyes wrote “I would give you one kidney and still be called selfish for not giving you both” - eldest daughter core.